Modi was just re-elected as prime minister of India and Trump might be re-elected as president of the United States of America, things that make many of us shudder. I try my best to be open-minded but I can’t help but wonder why some of my brown-skinned Gujarati-Indian relatives are pro-Modi and/or pro-Trump. It’s shocking to me, but mostly sad. Especially when the relatives are women.
We’ve all heard about the hate of women that goes on behind the closed doors of some everyday families. Families where husbands beat wives. Families where uncles rape nieces. Families where daughters are sex trafficked. Families where sons take part in honor killings of their women relatives.
And as leaders of two big democracies, Modi and Trump don’t do much to end the hate of women. In fact they often perpetuate it in their lack of support for women’s issues and their bold declarations…
Trump: "If Hillary Clinton can't satisfy her husband, what makes her think she can satisfy America?”
Modi: At an election rally in Himachal Pradesh, said about Sunanda Pushkar (wife of politician Shashi Tharoor), “Have you ever seen a Rs 50-crore girlfriend?”
So do the leaders of other countries…
Bolsonaro: He said this about a fellow lawmaker in congress. “She’s not my type. I would never rape her. I’m not a rapist, but if I were, I wouldn’t rape her because she doesn’t deserve it.”
Kim Jong-Un’s government: The North called former South Korean President Park Geun-hye, the country’s first female leader, a prostitute.
Duterte: “They said there are many rape cases in Davao. As long as there are many beautiful women, there will be more rape cases.”
When misogyny is proclaimed and acted upon as truth by powerful male leaders, it hurts women by making them worthless objects instead of worthy humans. The effect is the same when misogyny is proclaimed and acted upon by any man—a husband, father, son, uncle, etc. The very nature of oppression can make women more likely to have blind faith in cruel leaders and men in general. Maybe that’s why some of my women relatives are pro-Modi and/or pro-Trump.
I remember the misogyny proclaimed and acted upon as truth in my Gujarati-Indian family of origin—husband/father is god. A euphemism for wife is servant, daughter is wife. Years of this crushed my mother’s soul. It left me hating myself and needing men to validate my existence. To survive we had to accept and recreate the object status give to us by “god”—have blind faith in a the husband/father.
Thankfully, my mother and I broke away from our traumatic past. But the scars will never disappear. That’s why I’m passionate about helping others heal through individual and family therapy. That and I’m dedicated to writing realistic young adult novels that depict the ramifications of misogyny on adolescent development.
Thinking out loud about the big picture, perhaps part of what can help change the existing cruel, misogynistic leadership plaguing our world is to start small scale: one vulnerable family at a time, change the dynamics of dysfunctional families from all walks of life. This is obviously complicated and would require multiple levels of resources, but it may just be the paradigm shift that is needed. I don’t have all the answers but imagine if abusive husbands learn and want to treat wives like the equals that they are. Or imagine if all fathers treat daughters with respect and teach sons by being good role models and all mothers had the privilege to teach daughters to use their voices and teach sons how to treat women. Imagine if there were no women who hated themselves or their situations. If that happened in every family, perhaps generational misogyny would end. Then, who would vote for Trump? Or Modi? Or any misogynistic bully?
At the end of the day, if we don’t help families heal when possible, then aren’t we allowing husbands in those families to play god? Aren’t we allowing Modi and Trump to each play the god of gods?