Yesterday, Keith Flint, the frontman for the band Prodigy, took his own life. He was 49. His suicide hit me hard. As hard as Chester Bennington’s, lead vocalist of Linkin Park who was 41. Being a first generation Gujarati Indian American, my life experiences didn’t align with theirs, but I found solace in their powerful music. As did many other people. That and I’m also in my 40’s. And I’ve had suicidal thoughts. The shit is real.
But I haven’t taken the thoughts to the next level—the attempt level or the deadly level.
How am I lucky enough not to have taken it to the next level when so many people have?
Maybe it’s because I’ve spent years in medical school and residency training studying trauma, depression, anxiety, and suicidal thoughts on a biologic level. Or maybe it’s because I’ve spent thousands of hours putting myself in the shoes of numerous youth and adults with suicidal thoughts and attempts and trying to help them survive. Or maybe it’s because I remind myself that I don’t want to hurt my husband and children. And I’m fortunate to not be abusing drugs or alcohol.
What I know for sure is that it isn’t easy because sometimes the suicidal thoughts are so intense, so real, so seemingly inescapable. Vivid swirls of GRAB THAT KITCHEN KNIFE AND STAB YOURSELF IN THE HEART…RUN INTO ONCOMING TRAFFIC…
See that’s what happens sometimes to people with hardwired anxiety and/or depression. The suicidal thoughts are SYMPTOMS of this hardwiring. The suicidal thoughts are not a character flaw. They are not a cop-out. Suicidal thoughts can be misguided, automatic thoughts aimed at exerting the ultimate control over overwhelming chaos.
A person with well-treated asthma isn’t in a constant state of an asthma attack, but can have symptoms such as wheezing when triggered by weather changes or exercise. In this type of case, breakthrough asthma symptoms can be treated quickly, allowing the person to return to normal functioning. Similarly, a person with well-treated anxiety and/or depression can have suicidal thoughts when triggered by tremendous stress, conflict, loss, reminders of painful pasts, etc. That’s how it is for me. I’m not in clinical depression or anxiety. But things can trigger symptoms. I’ve learned to manage these breakthrough symptoms immediately so that I can return to my normal, healthy baseline in no time. If the breakthrough symptoms include suicidal thoughts, I remind myself that my brain is playing tricks on me because I’m overwhelmed. I tell myself to listen to music instead, it will pass. Or I tell myself to write, it will pass. Or maybe take a nap, it will pass. Cry if needed, it will pass. Go for a hard run, it will pass. Ask for a hug and reassurance, it will pass. Now is not the right time for the glass of cabernet, it will pass. I repeat the mantra IT WILL PASS.
And it does.
But the breakthrough symptoms, including suicidal thoughts, may come back because that’s how my brain is wired to automatically handle massive stress and I understand that. But I’ve got an arsenal of coping strategies at the ready to help me pull through no matter how many times symptoms such as suicidal thoughts breakthrough.
If you are depressed or have suicidal thoughts, please call the National Suicide Prevention Hotline 1-800-273-8255. https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/